Reign of the Little, Fat, Brown Chihuahuas

The reign of terror continues! For those who did not read of my earlier trauma, it seems that I am destined to be fodder for the little, fat, brown chihuahuas of the world!

My first experience with fat brown little chihuahuas was in second grade when my parents had me babysat before and after school by a woman who doted on just such a beast. It was 39 years ago and I can still tell you the name of that hideous little creature...TOODLES! That horrid little dog was the meanest, sneakiest little wretch I've ever known. It was all butter and sweetness when it's owner was watching and then SNAP would lunge for me with it's filthy little teeth the moment she looked away. Interestingly enough, I have no idea what my baby sitter's name was, and can't even recall what she looked like (her name may have been "Gladys" and she might have had a beehive hair-do...or maybe that is totally unconscious confabulation on my part?)...but her dog's face and name are etched into my memory forever...and began in me a deep-seated distrust/dislike of chihuahuas. The doted-upon little monster never actually bit me while she was babysitting me (though the numerous close-calls left me jittery and nervous), but, then, a few years later when I was in her yard conversing with her that little wretch snuck up behind me, flew into the air, and grabbed on to my tender little calf and HUNG THERE BY ITS TEETH! I hadn't even realized the hideous little thing was outside. That HURT. After that, I was downright terrified of chihuahuas.

Fast forward about a decade.... Being a dog-lover, I soon got involved with a dog training club. All breeds attended the classes, including an unusually large numbers of chihuahuas, of whom I was petrified! I was bringing a rottweiler and a German shepherd to class to train and secretly took comfort in the knowledge that should one of those unpredictable, vicious little dogs break away from their owner and fly at me to sink their little teeth into my calves, my rottweiler would intercept it and make a crunchy little snack out of it. A funny thing happened in dog class, though...I met some REALLY NICE chihuahuas. In fact, they were sweet, friendly, and downright adorable. My long held dislike of the breed began to fade. I even thought (briefly!) it might be neat to HAVE a chihuahua of my own!

Fast forward a couple of more decades (just a couple of weeks ago, to be exact) and after numerous, numerous chihuahua encounters that all ended without the shedding of blood, another chihuahua nailed me...and I never saw it coming, until I felt those sharp little teeth on the back of my calf! A spoiled, little, fat, brown chihuahua. For some reason, I have a LOT of homes right now that I am being sent out daily to that have FAT, brown, little chihuahuas. They all look the same but go by different names. I am beginning to get a little paranoid. Today's visits might just have pushed me over the line! My patient (who owns 3 little, FAT, brown chihuahuas herself) was temporarily moved to her daughter's home. Upon stepping into the daughter's home, I was instantly swarmed by hundreds of little, fat, brown, YAPPING chihuahuas. (Alright, SIX, then!) On and on the six of them yapped as they swarmed around me over the tops of each other with open mouths like hungry school of carp. I was okay. I was not hyperventilating. I was working diligently to keep from emitting the odor of fear.

I was going to overlook all the yapping and the fact that not only could I not hear myself think, but, neither could I move without, heaven forbid, stepping on one of the little wretches...and, I know for a fact that you NEVER want to step on a chihuahua because they are spring-loaded and will instantly attach themselves to your calf if they even THINK you were thinking about stepping on them or even just gently scooting them aside innocently with your foot! I was willing to be brave and overlook the horde (why do the owners of the most spoiled, obnoxious of the little fat, brown chihuahuas never THINK of removing the vermin from the room when company arrives?)...anyway, I was willing to put up with the writhing, yapping swarm, bumping up against my legs, BUT then I noticed one with a particularly evil glint in its eyes that kept circling around BEHIND me and rather than yapping, it was GROWLING. Now, as established two weeks ago, I am no longer willing to be STUPID for the sake of politeness, so I looked at my client and sweetly explained to her that it was fine with me if the other five chihuahuas remained in the house but the GROWLING one had to be put outside or locked in another room. I explained this as I kept twirling in a circle, nonchalantly letting my nursing bag drag low to the ground and keeping it between me and the GROWLING chihuahua who was bound and determined to growl at me from BEHIND. And the one thing I have learned is never allow a growling chihuahua to hang out BEHIND you, because that is their choice route of attack! The fat, brown chihuahuas seem to have a strong preference for the meatier portions of the leg...and although they can jump amazingly high, still, the only truly meaty portion within their striking range is the calf.

So, here I am twirling, twirling, twirling...repeatedly fending this little beast off using my nursing bag as a shield. You would think that patient or daughter, one, upon seeing this scene unfold would think, "Hmmm...maybe I ought to stop my dog." But, NO! That is why those fat, brown, little chihuahuas BITE...because they know their owner will be astonished that they have bitten someone and will most likely blame the bitee for having triggered the attack (right, by BREATHING!!!). So, it was that I had to call out as I twirled and twirled and request that they take a bit of responsibility for their dog. They both looked at me uncomprehendingly. Maybe being exposed to the continual yapping of these dogs had damaged their hearing? Finally, in sheer desperation, I play the sympathy card. "I was BITTEN by a chihuahua (left out the ugly, spoiled, mean, fat, brown part because I didn't want to lose my chance at gaining their sympathy!) just last week and I'm afraid it has left me a bit jittery about GROWLING chihuahuas." That did the trick. The daughter unfroze and came to life and hustled five of the six chihuahuas outside (including the growling one). Now there was just one chihuahua left. Thankfully, he quit his yapping once he no longer had his pack with him. However, I had no more than sat down with said chihuahua glued to me, nose to ankle, when the patient cheerfully comments that the REMAINING chihuahua is the one I actually should worry about, because he "will bite!" Well, thank you lady for leaving HIM in here, then!!! Arrgggg! Ever have days like that?

I really need to be around some NICE chihuahuas soon, because my old childhood prejudice against this particular breed of dogs is beginning to rear its ugly head again.

Poor little Rayna even got bit by a fat brown little dog this week...a dachshund that has begun to look more and more like another fat, brown, little chihuahua to me! The teeth broke the skin on top of and beneath her index finger. She made the mistake of starting to pick up a piece of popcorn off the floor when the fat, brown, little dog was in the vicinity. Rayna and I are quickly becoming allergic to all fat, brown, yapping little dogs!