A Thread from China Life Book chat group...

Today I read a post (see below) that I felt compelled to resond to...

Re: raising a child born in another country-

Lots of folks have been talking about the cultural haritage of our children and
we keep calling it Chinese. It seems to me that the cultrual haritage of our children
(as long as they were small when we got them) is that of our household.

My ansestors are from Italy. No one thought that it was important that I should
study and explore my Italian haritage as a kid. Why sholud that the focus for our kids?

I believe that a life book is needed to help explain the child's story communicating what it means to be adopted. Any adopted kid, even domestically adopted same race, would benefit from this sort of story telling. Participating in events with our local chapter of Families with Children from China is not mainly for the Chinese cultural opportunities but to introduce our daughter to others that look like her and have a similar story.

I believe the right way to say it my daughter is geneticly Chinese but cultrually American. I am not sure if I can even say that she is ethnicly Chinese as that implies that your culture was at least originally Chinese.

Just my two cents,

Mark


Below is the post I wrote in reply:

Re: raising a child born in another country-

My first time posting to this group....

Mark, your post caught my attention because the sentiments you are
expressing were EXACTLY my own sentiments thirteen years ago as we
prepared for our first adoption from China. My husband and I thought
it utter nonsense when the social worker kept stressing the
importance of acknowledging and incorporating the child's birth
culture into her life as she grew up. We "mouthed" the right
sentiments in order to get a positive homestudy, but, in our hearts
we could not have disagreed more completely. We, too, thought, "We
have Irish ancestors, but that has no relevance to our CULTURE...we
are AMERICANS, of AMERICAN culture...just as our own daughter from
China will be AMERICAN and just as her culture will be AMERICAN."

That was thirteen years ago. When our daughter was four years old,
she and I were in the audience at a large bluegrass festival (where
my husband was performing with his band). I noticed an young Asian
woman in the crowd with a two or three year old boy who appeared
biracial (Asian/Caucasian mix). As her child and my child were the
only ones in the crowd of literally hundreds that day who weren't
lily white, I found myself watching her little boy and wondering
about HER heritage. Observing her facial features, I guessed that
she was Korean. Later that day, her child and mine began playing
together, so, she and I wound up conversing. From the moment she
opened her mouth, her speech was pure Mid-West, so, I quickly
surmised that either she had been BORN in this country or else she
had come here at a very young age with her family.

Her opening remark to me was, "I notice your child is dark
complected. Can I ask what heritage her father is?" My daughter IS
darker complected than most Asians. We had a number of friends from
the Chinese community in our area who were forever, gently,
suggesting to me that I should protect her skin from the sun. In
China, the LIGHTER skin is distinctly valued over darker skin (the
inverse of American culture that admires suntanned skin and avoids
fish-white paleness). In China, darker skin is associated with
rural, country bumpkins....the poor and uneducated. Now, when this
young lady had said, "I notice your child is dark complected," her
tone had been completely neutral....indicating neither approval or
disapproval...simply a simple observation. BECAUSE she LOOKED
Korean, I assumed that she DISAPPROVED. Instantly on guard, I
replied, "I put sunscreen on her....she is just naturally dark."
Then I went on to explain that her father was Caucasian and that she
was adopted from China. Now had this young lady been CAUCASION, I
would have interpreted her opening remark completely differently...I
would have assumed she was admiring my daughter's bronze complexion.
Imagine my chagrin when the next words out of this young woman's
mouth were, "I'm adopted, too!" Turns out, she WAS admiring Darcy's
complexion and told me she wished she had that warm, bronzed skin
tone, too. This woman's culture and perspective were TOTALLY
AMERICAN. American culture had been the only thing she had ever
known (having been adopted from Korea as an infant).

Excited to meet a grown cross-ethnic adoptee, I asked her what it was
like for her growing up. She had an excellent relationship with her
parents and siblings and, even though she was the only adopted child
out of five siblings (two older birth siblings, two younger birth
siblings) she had always felt she was every bit as loved and accepted
as her other siblings were. She felt complete belongingness in her
adopted family...and characterized her childhood as very happy. When
I asked her if there was anything she had wished her parents had done
differently, I was surprised by her response. She said, "I wish they
would have taught me about my Korean heritage." She went on to
explain that her parents didn't know anything about Korea or about
its culture and so she had never known anything about it as she had
grown up. She said, "I grew up THINKING I was white. I know it is
silly, but, when I was a kid, I just assumed that I would grow up
having white babies just like my mother had." She hadn't had a
chance to develop an identity in her own heart and mind as someone
who was ethnically Asian...her inward identity was solely that she
was "Caucasian" just like her siblings and parents were. The problem
was she LOOKED Asian and the rest of the world saw an ASIAN face
before they got to know her. I immediately understood what she was
trying to tell me. Here I was an adoptive mother of a Chinese child,
myself, and yet, the very first thoughts I had had about her as I had
spied her in the distance and then initially begun my conversation
with her were ALL focused on my perceptions BASED on her Asian
appearance.

She expressed to me that she felt a loss at not knowing what it
was "to be Korean"....like there was a piece of herself that she
didn't know. For my part, I understood for the first time ever that
no matter how AMERICAN my own daughter is, still, people are going to
see her CHINESE features and possibly make assumptions about her
based on what THEY know of Chinese culture. The young woman I was
speaking to, had no idea that her comment about my daughter's skin
tone would seem like a polite rebuke in my ears. And, truthfully,
those same words spoken by a Caucasian speaker would not have struck
me as a rebuke at all. By knowing even less about Asian culture than
I did(!), the young woman before me was at a disadvantage as we had
begun our conversation together. She had no way of knowing that her
words might sound rebukeful to me.

Though my child's primary culture will always be Western....it is
still important for me to help her learn about Eastern culture, too.
Yes...she is AMERICAN, but to deny her Chinese heritage is to
discount a piece of her own heart and soul. To raise her totally
ignorant of Chinese culture is to rob her of a piece of her past.
She IS Chinese. Yes, she IS American, but she will always be CHINESE
as well. Her outward Chinese-ness is the very first thing that will
always be apparent to the rest of the world. I finally understood
why it was important for my own child's identity and self-worth, that
I acknowledged and honored her CHINESE-NESS, rather than ignoring it.
It is part of who she is. It always will be.

Very soon after my conversation with that young woman, my husband and
I enrolled our daughter in Chinese language classes at the Greater
Kansas City Chinese School. It was a large school that met each
Sunday afternoon, sponsored by first generation Chinese and Taiwanese
parents who wanted their American born children to learn to read and
write in Chinese. All the classes were taught in Chinese. The
school had decided to start a trial class for adopted Chinese
children who didn't come from Chinese speaking homes. Darcy was in
the that first class. Going to that school made a profound impact on
her life. For the first time ever, she was somewhere where EVERYONE
looked like her. She wasn't the one who stood out...I was! There
she was, in a sea of black haired children, being taught by black
haired adults. Something changed in my daughter. A few weeks later,
as we were browsing in Wal-Mart, my young daughter spied a long red
and black Asian-styled dress. She begged to "try it on". I had no
intention of buying her any more clothes that day, so, I admonished
her, "You can try it on...but we AREN'T buying it." She happily
agreed and off we went to the dressing rooms. What happened next
still chokes me up. As she looked into the mirror, her eyes widened
and her breath caught. Then, filled with awe, she
whispered, "Mom....this dress makes me look....CHINESE." Of course I
bought the dress. And she lovingly wore it for nearly three years.

When she began going to the Chinese school, I saw her begin to have a
pride in the fact that she was "Chinese" for the very first
time...and develop an awareness of that part of her being unique from
us, her parents. I know in my heart that helping her to comprehend
that though she is American, she is also Chinese was a very important
gift I was able to give my daughter. I think some families
overcompensate and get way out of balance in the direction of trying
to "be" a "Chinese family" for their child. I, personally, believe
that we are incapable of "being" Chinese for our children. We aren't
Chinese, we never will be. But, I think it is a precious gift to
walk alongside our child and help them to explore Chinese
culture...it is a way of honoring the roots they sprang from and
helping them find their own, unique identity in this multi-colored
world.

Today, at the age of 11, my daughter has absolutely no desire to
learn Chinese language...she would rather learn Spanish, instead. That is
fine! She is a very confident young lady...and, somehow, I don't
think she is going to grow up feeling wistful that her own babies
aren't Caucasian. She is Chinese and she is as apple-pie American as
she could possibly be. Her "Chinese-ness" is not an unfilled blank in
her life....rather, it is as it should be--a unique and treasured
PIECE of her whole.

~Monica


Some immediate replies appeared on the list from others:
Re: raising a child born in another country-

Monica, thank you so much for sharing such personal experiences! The
following 2 paragraphs were articulated so well, they really hit home
for me! Thank you!

Patricia/NYC
Monica...> wrote:
> Though my child's primary culture will always be Western....it is
still important for me to help her learn about Eastern culture, too.
Yes...she is AMERICAN, but to deny her Chinese heritage is to
discount a piece of her own heart and soul. To raise her totally
ignorant of Chinese culture is to rob her of a piece of her past.

>I think some families overcompensate and get way out of balance in
the direction of trying to "be" a "Chinese family" for their child.
I, personally, believe that we are incapable of "being" Chinese for
our children. We aren't Chinese, we never will be. But, I think it
is a precious gift to walk alongside our child and help them to
explore Chinese culture...it is a way of honoring the roots they
sprang
> from and helping them find their own, unique identity in this
> multi-colored world.




Re: raising a child born in another country-

Monica, you are so correct ... thank you for posting this.

What caught my eye was:

"The problem was she LOOKED Asian and the rest of the world saw an
ASIAN face before they got to know her."

I think of everything, this is the most important reason to help our
children be comfortable being Chinese ... and IMO this means becoming
a Chinese-American family and teaching the ENTIRE family what it
means to be Chinese ... not that we "become" Chinese, we never can
be.

I want my children to see their Chinese face in the mirror and not be
surprised that it's not a Caucasian face.

BW



Re: raising a child born in another country-

"I want my children to see their Chinese face in the mirror and not be
surprised that it's not a Caucasian face."

Me too! This is something I think about often... how she'll see
herself, and what I personally can do to help her identify with
her "Chinese-ness".
Laurie


Re: raising a child born in another country-

Sun Jan 28, 2007 4:51 pm (PST)
We found a small mirror (5x7 or so) with an magnetic back. It hangs at
their height on the fridge door and our girls are fascinated looking
into it. We also hung a larger mirror in their bedroom (1x1') at their
height. That was a mistake since they took the mirror down to play
with it and broke it (luckily nobody was hurt). The funny thing is, my
girls are identical twins and they still haven't quite figured out that
their faces are alike.

Over 20 years ago I taught English in Chengdu for a school year. I
remember coming home and gawking at all of the "foreigners" when I
attended an outdoor concert a few weeks after returning home. I looked
around in amazement that nobody was remarking at this sight and then a
few minutes later realized that I was back in the US and these were
Caucasins, not foreigners. Talk about culture shock! For months,
while in China and back in the US, I was surprised to look into a
mirror and see that I was not Asian, since we seldom had a mirror while
in China. With this in mind, we have kept mirros available and lots of
photos of the girls around the house.

Sheila W-M


Sheila's comments reminded me of an experience I had in college. I graduated with a nursing degree before transferring to a small Bible college. I lived in a dorm set aside for "older students". There was a high percentage on international students in my small dorm. Since I was one of the few students who had a car, one of my friends (a student from Liberia) convinced me to to join her church (I hadn't yet settled upon a new church) so that I could be her ride to and from church.

Soon there were about four of us carpooling together regularly. I was the only white person in the group. All of my carpooling friends and all the congregation of my new church were African-American (except Laurel, who was Liberian!).

That year at school was interesting on so many different levels. But, the one that sticks out most in my mind was "losing" my own sense of identity, much as the author above describes...forgeting I wasn't black, myself, until I saw my "whiteness" reflected through the responses of others. I didn't even realize this, until one evening when there was a gathering meant to help dispell the competitive animosity that had been lurking below the surface between the two different college groups in the small church. The leader began the evening by having us all sit together in a circle and, passing a large leaf from one to the next. We were, each in turn, to pick someone else in the group and tell the group what qualities we really respected and admired in that person. A pattern quickly emerged...no matter what person each speaker chose to speak about, each speaker seemed to first feel compelled to say a few words about how it was so nice that people of all races could come together in love and respect for each other. The first comment or two like this didn't phase me, but after the third and fourth, the analytical part of my nature began thinking, "What on earth is setting every one off?" I HONESTLY was baffled at why this particular topic kept insistantly inserting itself into each person's head. It had NOTHING to do with either of the college factions there. It had nothing to do with that group that night, at all. I was totally feeling like I had missed some major portion of the conversation, or something. Then, as the leaf was passed to me, as I reached out, I caught sight of my own WHITE hand and all of a sudden I REALIZED what was "setting everybody off"...I was!...my "whiteness" was. I was the only one in the room not AWARE that I was WHITE! I still find it humorous to this day! But, it is also fascinating to me...that I could "forget" that I didn't "match" everyone else. And, now that I have children of a different ethniticity than myself, I realize how they, too, will likely find themselves in a similar situation...not just as an isolated event, but over and over again throughout their lives.

Unlike, Sheila, I don't think access to mirrors and lots of photos around the house are helpful in assisting a child to embrace ALL of who they are...their adoptive culture as well as their birth ethnicity. At least, consulting a mirror often had not prevented me from forgetting (momentary though it was) what my own ethnicity was. Sense of self is a strange thing. And I do believe very deeply that those of us who have been born into and raised in a single culture matching our ethnicity and who grow up matching our aunts, uncles, cousins, parents, siblings ethnicity have a very difficult time comprehending what it is to "feel" like we are one ethnicity and yet have those reminders over and over again from the rest of the world that we are not the ethnicity we think we are...gentle reminders from good hearted people...like I experienced that evening at that gathering...or harsh reminders like I was slapped in the face with thirteen years ago when I first enrolled in an adult conversational Chinese class at the Greater Kansas City Chinese School and was told to my face by the instructor, "You don't belong here. You aren't Chinese. Why don't you go the University...there are classes there for people like you. This class is for Chinese people who have grown up in America and now want to learn to speak Chinese. Americans have the university to go to. This school is for Chinese." I had explained that I was in the process of adopting a Chinese child...hoping that the fact that our family would soon be both Caucasion AND Chinese would soften this man's bitterness over my presence in his class. He had simply sneered, "Don't you know, all you can get from China is a GIRL." Then I had understood that he didn't just resent my whiteness, but my gender as well. I completed my semester in the class in spite of his disapproval over my presence. EVERYONE ELSE in the school that year (literally hundreds of people) were genuinely warm, friendly, accepting...and went out of their way to befriend me and encourage me. That one teacher's response to me, though, is as sharp and biting in my soul today as it was as I listened in utter disbelief to his words thirteen years ago.

Both experiences were isolating....the black group, by being so aware of my whiteness, isolated me by their very attempt to include me! Their words affirming how "wonderful it is that blacks and whites can be in harmnony" set me apart...made me suddently feel different when I HAD been feeling like I was ONE of them. Ironic that there going out of their way to demonstrate their "acceptance" of me was the very thing that made me realize I was different...THEY didn't SEE me as BELONGING, even though they were trying hard to make room for me. Then, later, when I was in a sea of warm, affirming, ACCEPTING Chinese folks, there was the one man who did not like me and did not want to take the time to know me--just because of my skin color. I cannot put into words how deeply humiliating that experience was. I am glad I had it. It gave me the fleetinglest glimmer of what it is to be rejected because of the color of my skin...something that Caucasians in America do not often experience. It IS something that our Chinese children will probably bump up against now and then in their lives.

I also suspect that families who swing far into the direction of FOCUSING everything around the child's ethnicity in an attempt to honor their birth culture can wind up with the same results as the families who don't understand WHY they need to help their child incorporate their ethnicity into their inner psyche...their inward concept of themselves......parents from either extreme can wind up creating a situation in which it is difficult for the child to incorporate their ethnicity into their inward concept of self. I say that because constantly obsessing over a child's ethnicity in an effort to honor that ethnicity is, in itself, isolating. Like my black friends that night feeling compelled to preface each recognition of a quality they valued in each other WITH some reference to skin color and how great it was that "we could all get along". In their effort to include me in, they actually isolated me by unwittingly making me self-conscious of the very thing they were celebrating. I don't think that a child's uppermost thought in their mind should be "I am Chinese." But, neither should it be something they reject inwardly. In a way, I think we can push our children into rejecting their own ethnicity by over-emphasizing it, even in very positive ways.

There needs to be balance. Balance in our efforts to acknowledge our child's ethnicity. And it is balance we want our children to find in their own hearts and mninds. Our children are both Caucasian and Chinese. Their skin is all Chinese, but their hearts and minds are a mixture of both...probably a whole lot more "Caucasian" than "Chinese". The important thing, I think, is that their hearts and minds BE a mixture of both. To have hearts and minds that cannot embrace any part of their own ethnicity is to have lost a part of their own spirit....and to live a life ever in conflict between what is reflected in the mirror and reflected through the eyes of others vs what you WANT to look like and be seen as. A child cannot sacrifice the Chinese portion of their self concept without losing the very piece of themselves which paves the way for true self-acceptance...and confidence that can withstand the onslaught of the few ignorant souls in this world.



(All of the above posts by others (as well as many direct e-mail responses received but not quoted here) were written within a few hours of my post. Doubtless, the conversation will continue further on that particular list.)